Giving Ourselves Grace

It’s hard to watch one daughter turn 7, to celebrate another year here on this earth, when you’re constantly reminded you have one in heaven who you’ll never see turn 7. Vivi even said her birthday felt sad because she remembers Ellie always being so excited for a party, a cake, all her friend and family, and of course, to play with all her sisters toys.

These monumental, important days are hard. The days leading up to them feel even harder as your anxious with anticipation about what to expect from yourself. I’ve never done this before, so I have nothing to compare it to. All of this is so unknown, and I think that’s one of the things that makes this all so tough to try and navigate.

It’s hard to grieve when you have other kids. We still have a household that needs to run, kids who need homeschooled, a baby who still wakes up bright and early ready to start her day. There’s so many needs that need met at any given moment. Josh and I are trying to give ourselves space away from the chaos to take a second and actually feel our feelings. But there are times where it’s hard not to feel forced to bottle them up for the day in order for our household to run. Or in order for one of your daughters to feel celebrated on her special day while you secretly grieve the recent passing of her sister.

Life is hard. I’m learning it’s a lot harder than what we’re used to seeing. Many people don’t like to share the hard, they like to share their highlights. But with that comes this false sense that life is easy and always sunshine and rainbows. Then when you experience something hard you feel alienated and that something must be wrong with you. That you brought the hard on to yourself.

This season of our lives is all about giving each other grace. Giving ourselves grace. Doing one load of laundry for the week feels like a massive win, and right now, it is. Homeschooling 3 out of 5 days for the week is a win. Ordering dinner in instead of cooking a homemade meal is a win. These are all things that we couldn’t fathom how we’d ever do, and here we are, slowly making our way.

One of the crappy parts about grief is that it’s a lifelong journey. But that also help to remind me it’s not a sprint. It’s not an event that you pass one day and can check off your check list. You can’t prepare for it. There’s no right or wrong way how to do it. You just get through.

Right now, that’s our goal. Just get through, one day at a time.

Forever missing our Ellie girl 💙