I Hope You Feel Our Love For You Always

We took apart your room today. I hope you’re not mad at us. Vivi has been asking for the last month if she could move in there. I think it’s her way of feeling close to you.

As I folded up your comforter, I remembered picking it out for you for Christmas. I washed it, made your bed up all nice and told you to come look at your new big girl bedding. And your face lit up when you saw it. You rushed into it, making the perfectly tidy bed I just made a huge mess. You snuggled under the comforter like you were in a little cocoon. I asked if you like it and you yelled “YESSS!”

As I folded up your sheet, I found strands of your curly blonde hair. It felt like a knife straight to my heart. A little piece of you made me feel like you were still here with us. Even though I know you’re not.

Nicole folded up your tiny clothes, because I just couldn’t bring myself to. The only strength I had was to stand by and watch. I can’t wait for the day little Savannah will be old enough to fit them. I know that will be her way to feel close to you.

We unpacked your nightstands, which had such a random collection of things around the house. I think having a nightstand was one the most exciting things to you. It made you feel like such a big girl. You’d randomly pick something up off the floor and say, “mommy I put this in my nightstand.” It made me giggle looking through there finding all of your collections.

It’s a relief your room isn’t just a dark and sorrow filled place behind a shut and locked door. Because that’s not at all who you are. It was a relief that, if only for a few hours, fear didn’t control us. But it also made the feeling of you not being here with us feel even more real. And that shatters my heart.

I want you to know you’ll never be erased from our family. You’ll forever be shining so brightly in all of our hearts. In the heart of every person who had the privilege of knowing you or meeting you. I know your earthy room doesn’t stand a chance of comparing to your heavenly room.

I hope you hear all of the giggles from your sisters playing in there. I hope you hear the dance parties we have in your honor. I hope you see Sav in your favorite Minnie Mouse jean jacket. I hope you play alongside Addy and Vivi as they play with your toys.

I hope you feel all of our love for you always.