The Dream That Turned Into a Nightmare

I don’t know what brought you to this blog. Maybe you’re family, maybe you’ve followed our story on social media or maybe you’re brand new. Whatever the background may be, know that you are supposed to be here. It’s not an accident that you stumbled upon this blog. For whatever reason, you are meant to hear this story. My only hope for you is that as this story continues to unfold, you are able to witness God’s love and His glory within your own life. I hope you leave here knowing you are fully seen, knowing you are chosen, and knowing that you are effortlessly loved.

My 32 year long journey thus far has been anything but easy. I witnessed many traumatic events as a child and in my young adult years. I always carried this notion, “why me?” making myself a victim to all the hurt and brokenness in this world. As I’ve grown in my faith, I’ve been able to replay those stories and see how they all shaped me into the person I am today. I’ve been able to see how God was preparing me and strengthening me to withstand any storm I found myself in.

I didn’t quite feel prepared for the tsunami that would soon be thrown my way.

Early on in 2022, my family and I made the tough decision to move from Indiana to Florida. We spent year after year vacationing in Florida, loving the weather, and all the outdoor actives that were available all year long, unlike in the Midwest. Even as a child, my dad took us to Florida almost every year. I would repeatedly talk about how I wanted to live there. To be close to the ocean, a place that I truly felt calmness in my soul. The only time I ever felt calm in my life was by the ocean, listening to the waves, watching the birds, hearing kids laughing as they played in the sand. It was almost mesmerizing. We wanted a place we could grow as parents, playing outside with our kids and being intentional about spending time with them. A state where the climate was commonly sunny and 85 degrees sounded like the perfect place to do just that.

When we made the decision to move, we only had a month to pack up our current house in Indiana. I’m convinced the only way we made it was with the help of our amazing nanny, Morgan. I remember the day the movers showed up, packing up all our belongings in a moving truck. Feeling so excited for all the family adventures that awaited us in Florida.

We flew to Florida and a few days later we arrived at our new house. I remember pulling up to our house feeling like, “FINALLY! Finally I am here, finally I live in Florida!” I can’t even describe how happy I felt, having waited for this exact moment almost my entire life.

Three weeks later, our 3.5 year old drowned in our swimming pool in our backyard.

If I had to come up with an exact opposite feeling as to what I felt the first day we pulled into our new house, it would be pulling her body out from that pool. Utter disbelief as to what had even happened. Disbelief that something so horrible was even possible on this earth, especially to people who are good parents. Parents that are always teased for being too protective. Parents who have always tried to raise their kids up in a good Christian home. Parents who don’t do drugs and make family dinners a priority. We are good people. We go to church. We say our prayers. We read our bibles. Surely this stuff doesn’t happen to people like us.

The reality is, we live in a world that is not immune to hardship.

I’m still on this journey trying to figure out why that is. Yes, I know the story of Adam and Eve and how sin entered the world. But I’m looking for something deeper. I probably won’t have a definite answer until I get to heaven, but I am determined to get as close as I can. I am determined to bring meaning to this horrific story. I am determined to make Ellie’s short time here on earth have more impact and purpose than I can even see right now. I hope that by sharing with you the real, the raw, the doubtfulness, and the hard questions, you too can seek God’s goodness in your own hardships. Life happens for us, not to us, and I hope that by following along, you are able to start your own journey into digging up the truth and the meaning beyond what our earthly eyes can see.

I hope to see you back.